Black and Grey Emotions

So I pick up a pen and some sheets 

And I try to write 

I try to fill these blank sheets with the colors of my emotions 

But my emotions are mostly black and grey 

I can’t find the exact words to describe them the way I feel them

Yesterday you told me I’m creative 

But how can someone who has been destroyed to the core, create something? 

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You Don’t Leave

but you don’t leave

you’re always in the back of my head

screaming your existence in my brain

carving your image on the walls of my heart

you don’t go away

you’re here every day, every second

paralyzing my heart with your lies

you’re always here 

somewhere in the back of my mind

And I’ll Leave 

​Tomorrow will come and things won’t be the same.

I’ll leave these things behind.

Your eyes filled with lust

Where I always tried to find love

But you can’t find something that was never present.

And I mistook salt for sugar

I won’t do it again

So I’ll pack my memories and my emotions and leave.

And your cold heart will once again be abandoned for good.

Has it ever crossed your mind? 

​Has it ever crossed your mind that she still lies wide awake in the middle of the night because of you 

Has it ever crossed your mind that you are the reason behind those never ending tears 

Has it ever crossed your mind that she still shrieks and screams out in the middle of the night 

Has it ever crossed your mind that her stomach starts churning and she can barely breathe when she hears your name 

Has it ever crossed your mind that her whole anatomy trembles when she gets those flashbacks 

Has it ever crossed your mind that she nearly dies the moment when she sees your face

Has it ever crossed your mind that you’re no longer the antidote you promised her you would be 

Does it ever cross your mind that you are the poison that’s killing every second of her fragile existence

Do you even remember her?

Magic 

Did his dreams scare you? 

Did you think you were too small in front of them? 

Did you lose your balance?

Did you start doubting your existence? 

But how can you doubt the magic universe poured into your body when it created you?

How can you doubt even for a moment that you’re worth isn’t much

How? 

When the universe put all its resources and capabilities into your creation then how can you doubt the magic that works within you?

Don’t let him or anyone else ever let you down 

Because you were born with magic inside you.

Epilogue

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it’s not sweet subtle poetry

it’s my tears and blood poured on a sheet of paper

it’s my veins spread out on the canvas

it’s my heart still trying to beat

even when the veins have run dry

because it was stabbed over and over

it’s my nerves trying to send a fading signal to my body to work

it’s my brain trying to process all the heartache

it’s finally my heart and my mind

synchronising for once in my life.

 

P.S. If I ever write a book, I think this piece will either be on the cover or at the end of that book.

Note To A Friend 

​Don’t suppress your feelings. At least not to your self. You’re allowed to feel vulnerable, sad and confused. You need to know how you feel. Don’t tell yourself you’re fine when you know how badly hurt or miserable you are. You need to be honest with yourself, only then you’ll be able to figure out how to fix yourself.

Female Foeticide

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Your father subdues any effort

your mother tries to make to keep you alive.

He’s a typical dominating male

from a narrow- minded patriarchal family.

He won’t let you live.

But you aren’t even born yet.

You think you’re safe

inside your mother’s thick belly.

Your mother knows you’re not.

He won’t let you step out into this world.

Because he’s not what you expected.

You’re not the one he desires.

He won’t tolerate you for 9 long months.

Because he wants a boy.

And that’s where everything changes.
Subdued